I’m often heard saying the following things:
I would never take anything in my life back.
I wouldn’t be who I am today without the things that have happened to me.
That I like who I am now.
Well, I don’t really like who I am right now. I don’t know the woman sitting here writing this. She’s a stranger to me. The last two years of my life have been seriously tumultuous, trying, and downright sucky.
That’s not to say that good things haven’t happened. Because they have. But, when I look back on the last two years I think of a lot of bad things. I gained back all of the weight I’d lost. That’s over 70 lbs. I fell in love with someone who I never stood a chance at having him love me back. I was never going to be “worthy” of his love. If that’s what you want to call it. I was destined to always be his fall back. But never good enough to be picked. I got pregnant and lost it in the same breath. I allowed myself to go further into debt for someone that wouldn’t even take me to dinner without complaining about it. I had my heart broken over and over and over again. I saw my relationship with my best friend dissipate before my eyes. I saw people I cared about pull away from me because I pulled away from them without meaning to..
I guess I can’t say all of that’s bad. It’s not. Some people never feel love at all. I don’t regret the love I felt. I do, however, regret that I allowed myself to be drug along for so long before realizing that love would never, ever be returned. No matter how long I waited.
The last two years haven’t been all bad. I moved, got a new job, met new people. But I’m not happy.
I fee like I’ve gone so far down the rabbit hole that there is no coming back from this. I feel like no matter how hard I dig my fingers into the dirt I’ll never be able to pull myself back up.
But I have to. There’s not choice. I can’t keep doing this to myself. Something has got to give. I just don’t know where to start.
rvrsong 